Bert Captured!


Sesame Street, CTW (SPA) October 12, 2001 Ė They found Bert sitting on a park bench, surrounded by pigeons. To the untrained eye, he would have looked like a sad old man feeding the pigeons. The Homeland Security Force knew better though. When they got the word, they quickly surrounded the park, evacuated the innocents and a squad of counter-terrorist agents approached him, guns drawn and ready. Wisely Bert offered no resistance, in fact he uttered what many of the agents considered to be a confession when they came: "I was expecting this." He shooed the loyal pigeon that stayed gallantly on his shoulder as the agents cuffed him.

Meanwhile on Sesame Street, residents, while still expressing disbelief about Bertís alleged activities were relieved that he had been caught. Ernie, roommate of alleged terrorist Bert, said, "After the Security Force left, I double-checked my rubber ducky. I wanted to make sure that he hadnít done anything. It is still hard to believe that Bert could be the kind of person who could be a terrorist. What could have made him go bad?" He mused a bit after he asked the question, then wondered aloud, "perhaps it was that ĎPoisoning Pigeons in the Parkí song I playedÖ."

"I just canít believe this about Bert," said Big Bird. "He was always kind to me. He brought me extra birdseed. We would sit and talk for hours. Nothing he ever said gave me the impression that he was a terrorist. You would think he would have wanted a bird like me for the kind of attack they say he was planning." He paused then realized what he had said and added quickly, "Of course I would not have gotten involved."

And that is the attitude all around Sesame Street. Disbelief mixed with apprehension. Even those who are willing to say positive things about Bert are sure to add their personal disclaimers. Fear has invaded this once loving and trusting Street. Maria summed it up best when she said; "It used to be a place where you knew the people in your neighborhood. Now, with all thatís been said about Bert, who knows about him. And if Bert is a terrorist, who knows about anyone else."

Indeed, who knows about anyone else? Oscar the Grouch, released from detention without any charges being filed said, "It used to be safe to be a grouch around here. Now, Iím not so sure. I may have to paste a smile on my face so that people wonít suspect me of doing or thinking anything bad."

In a related story, Gonzo, Animal and Cookie Monster all expressed gratitude for their release today. "We jokingly started calling ourselves FLPís after someone said that we were funny looking puppets," said Gonzo. "We never dreamed that anyone would think anything about that. We started it as a joke."

The Count also celebrated his release by counting all the agents as he walked out of the building. He stopped when he saw that they had Bert and exclaimed, "Bert, Bert! What happened Bert? I thought I could count on you." No one expressed the attitude of the Sesame Street community better.



Satirical Press Associates (SPA) is a group of writers or one writer with multiple personalities who have (has) a warped sense of reality. None of their (his) reports should be construed as factual, although they (he) have (has) been known to take factual situations and distort them. Those who wish to support this endeavor may be crazier than the author(s) but are welcome to e-mail for information.

  2001 by Bob James. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to distribute this article to others without charge as long as it is distributed in its entirety and this notice is attached. This article may not be distributed commercially either individually or as part of any anthology without the express written consent of the author.