Well folks, as a man, I was highly offended that Mattel would remake Barbie into a more realistic character while leaving Ken the studly hunk that he was (think about the fragile MALE ego, eh). Then I saw the announcement of "Red Neck Ken"
Mattel corporation today announced that their realism move is continuing in future production of their popular "Ken" doll. "As Barbie becomes more an image that reflects society, we feel that we need to update Ken's image as well. Therefore we proudly introduce "Red Neck Ken," our more realistic Barbie's real world companion."
Internal documents indicate that Red Neck Ken will have a slighly tinted neck, a beer belly, and come dressed in faded blue jeans, a red flannel shirt, and an "NRA" baseball cap. Jeans will be manufactured with the obligatory chewing tobacco can ring in the back pocket. Planned accessories include a "Red Neck Ken" pickup truck. This truck is a faded blue with rust stains, NRA bumper sticker, Confederate flag in the back window, gun rack and non-opening doors. Miniature crushed beer cans will be available to add to the bed of the truck. Concrete blocks will be included to allow youngsters to leave their pick up truck up on blocks in their front yard.
Front yard of what? Why "Red Neck Ken's" own house of course. A wooden shack with broken windows and screens to authenticate the picture will be available for purchase. The hunting dog tied to the front porch can be removed and placed in the pickup truck, either in the bed or inside while Barbie rides in the bed for a more realistic view. Add in the Red Neck Ken outhouse and the picture will be complete.
Under discussion is the likelyhood of adding a voice to Red Neck Ken. Push his belly, he burps. Push it again, he farts. One more time and he yells, "Barbie! Git me 'nother beer." One last push and he blurts out, "Whar's that dang remote?"
Authorities expect sales to skyrocket with Red Neck Ken. Expected release date is January 19, 1998 -- Robert E. Lee's birthday and Confederate Heroes Day.
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Disclaimer: Mattel, Barbie and Ken are names that belong to the Mattel Corporation and are registered trademarks or something like that. Anyway, if you haven't figured out that this is NOT a release from the Mattel Corp., then please send your orders, with cash, checks or credit cards to me. I'll make sure you get what you deserve!
The above release is actually the property of SPA, Satirical Press Associates, and is copyright today, November 18, 1997 by Bob James with all rights reserved. You wanta float it around the Internet without making money offa my work...that's fine with me. BUT you had better not try to make a profit from my hard work and brain labor unless you ask me first and I okay it!
