Prologue

Cap: 	Captain's Log: Star Date 223.143.  The
	incident of my missing first officer 	
	has been solved.  Commander Gore-al has
	been informed that future play 	days in
	the Holo-Deck must be under the supervision
	of a nanny until he demonstrates competence
	with the words, "Computer.  End Program."
	He has been instructed to write those words
	300 times and turn them into Admiral Rodham
	by next week.  (Fade into picture of Captain
	on deck dictating log.  Bridge is very full,
	everyone is standing around doing nothing.)

	His missing communicator problem has been
	solved also.  He has been warned that future
	outbursts that result in a destroyed
	communicator will result in his pay being
	docked.  Science Officer Babbit has been
	instructed to teach Gore-al that throwing
	sensitive equipment at walls in frustration
	will result in breakage.  (Ensign Opolus
	rushes to Captain)

Ens:	Captain Billy Jeff.  An urgent message
	has come in from Star Fleet Command.  Admiral
	Rodham wishes to speak with you...privately!

Captain Billy Jeff jumps out of his chair and rushes
to his ready room shouting

Cap: 	Number One!  Take the helm.  (As Commander
	Gore-al comes to the chair,  Captain Billy
	Jeff speaks privately to him) And try not to
	run into any planets this time.  You
	are the one who wants to save these planets, 
	right? (Scene shifts to the Captain's ready
	room.  He goes to His desk, turns on the Space
	Communications port and...)  Yes, Admiral Rodham.


ADM:	Captain,  Do you remember when I said that
	we were going to screw all of these people?
	Now is the time.

Cap:	You mean...?

ADM:	Yes, I mean (Scene cuts to the opening.
	Music starts, Captain's voice begins Narration)

Cap:	These are the voyages of the starship
	Enterprise (Admirals voice breaks in)

ADM:	Collective...Collective, you fool.
	Don't you remember renaming it?!!!

Cap:	...er Collective.  Her four year
	mission:  To tax prosperity (ADM cuts in)

ADM:	To destroy greedy capitalists!  How
	stupid can you be?

Cap: 	To destroy greedy capitalists, to timidly
	go where our polls show us we may go.  

(Music blares...Opening credits come on)


Scene I:  The Clintonator

(As the scene opens Captain Billy Jeff is walking
out of his ready room.  He has a grave look on his
face.  He walks to the helm stopping to talk to
the Navigator)

Cap:	(whispering) How did we do?

Nav:	(whispering) Not bad...We almost ran
	through the atmosphere of one planet, but I
	adjusted without letting Gore-al know.  He
	still thinks that he is improving!

Cap:	Great!  Admiral Rodham and Security
	officer Lson Ben have really been watching
	Gore-al.  I have heard rumors that Lieutenant
	Ben has orders to mutiny should I ever
	have problems on the surface... well you know
	that wouldn't happen.  I'd order someone
	else to go!

Nav:	Who do you think gave those orders?
	Adm...er...You hired me to navigate you
	through the skies, I have to consider
	all possibiities!

Cap: (Chuckling to self)  Good thinking.  That
	might be a good idea.  (Captain continues
	to the helm, and speaks for the whole
	bridge to hear) Thank you Number One, you
	did a great job while I was away.  I will
	take command now.

Gor: 	Oh, c'mon captain, can't I steer the
	ship a little longer?  Please, pretty please.

Cap: The only reason I let you take the helm
	this time is that you promised last time
	that you would not whine and cry when I
	came back.

Gor:	But this isn't whining...it's begging.

Cap: (with anger) That's the same thing officer.
	If you want to be on my team you will follow
	my orders.  If you don't, I will talk with
	Admiral Rodham and tell her what you have
	been doing.  Do you understand that Mister?

Gor:	Aye, Sir!  Golly sir, you spoke very captain-
	like there.  I am proud to have you for my captain.

Cap:	(obviously pleased with himself) That was
	very captain-like, wasn't it.  (becomes quizzical)
	Number One, who are all of these people on the 	
	bridge?  I thought we cut the bridge staff.

Gor: 	We did, sir!  We did.  Admiral Rodham ordered
	us to borrow staff from some of the other starship
	departments to make up the difference.  I guess
	we got a few too many from each department.

Cap:	Oh well, the more the merrier.  What happened
	to the staff that we cut?

Gor:	They got shuffled into those other departments
	when they came up short of personnel.  I am happy
	to report that all departments are now fully
	staffed and we have increased our employment rate
	by ten percent.

Cap:	Ten percent increase...very good.  Has
	Admiral Rodham been informed of this new
	development?

Gor:	She...uhm...kind of ordered that sir.

Cap:	Well I guess that's all right.  (Annoyed)
	I just wish someone would let me know what is
	happening here.  This is my starship!  Isn't it!

Gor:	(aside to a wandering bridge person)  She's
	awesome!  Admiral Rodham told us he would
	react that way.  (back to Captain Billy Jeff)
	Do you have any orders sir?

Cap:	(absent-mindedly)  Orders...orders?  OH YES!
	Orders.  Yes I have orders.  Fire up the
	Clintonator...I must communicate with the crew.

Gor:	(terror rises in voice)  Not the Clintonator,
	sir.  Must you really do that?

Cap:	I HAVE NO CHOICE!  There is no other way to
	make this announcement.

Gor:	(with appropriate awe and terror)
	Aye, sir...the Clintonator.

End Scene I

Scene II:  The Announcement

(As the scene opens,  Gore-al and ensign Media
are connecting a bulky piece of equipment to the
computer.  Captain Billy Jeff walks over to them)

Cap:	Is everything ready Gore-al?

Gor:	In a few seconds sir.  We should be
	ready for voice authorization in about
	ten seconds.  (the Captain waits while
	Gore-al and ensign Media finish connecting
	the machine)  The Clintonator is attached
	to the computer awaiting voice authorization
	to activate, sir.

Cap:	Computer.  This is Captain Billy Jeff.
	Please activate general order 72.

Com:	Jeff, Captain Billy.  Voice Authorization
	1 accepted.  Awaiting Confirmation.

Gor:	(Gore-al is prompted by Captain Billy Jeff
	as he issues his voice authorization code)
	Computer.  This is Commander Gore-al.  Please
	activate general order 72.

Com:	Gore-al, Commander.  First Officer.
	Number One.  Voice Authorization 2 	
	Accepted.  (Much better Commander)
	General Order 72 has now been activated.
	You have 90 seconds before shutdown.

Cap:	Open a hailing frequency to the entire
	ship's crew.

Ben:	Open, sir.

Cap:	(Ship's whistle in the background)
	Now hear this.  Now hear this.  This is
	captain Billy Jeff speaking.  I wish to
	inform you that health care benefits have
	been approved by the admiral for the
	entire crew.  Each and every one of you
	will receive better care than you are
	presently receiving, and at a far less
	expensive price.  I congratulate you on
	having won a great victory, and look
	forward to continue to serve with you
	in future battles against the Conlicans.
	Please resume your normal duties now.
	(motions to Gore-al to turn off the
	Clintonator.  When that is done he
	breathes a sigh of relief and walks back
	to the helm.  One of the bridge personnel,
	Private Morris approaches Gore-al
	seeking information.)

Pri:	Why do we need to use such precautions
	just to make a simple speech?


Gor:	You know that we can't give the crew more
	and better health care for less money.  I
	know we can't do that also.  Obviously the
	computer would spot the logical flaws in such
	an announcement.  The Clintonator allows the
	Captain to say the most illogical things
	without the Computer pointing out the flaws.
	The people are so conditioned that if the
	computer doesn't point out the flaws, they
	will think that everything is fine and not
	question even 	the most patently absurd
	statements.

Pri:	That makes sense...but why then do we only
	have 90 seconds to make the announcement?  Why
	don't we leave the Clintonator attached to the
	Computer at all times?

Gor:	Two reasons.  1.  If the computer is not able
	to point out our logical fallacies then how will
	it be able to attack the Conlicans fallacies.

	2.  The computer can only handle so much
	suppression of logic.  After awhile, everything
	would blow to pieces if we kept all of our
	illogical ideas bottled 	up.

Pri:	What if we could come up with a way to
	suppress our illogic and attack the Conlican
	ideas no matter how logical.  Could we not
	then keep the Clintonator on line on a
	permanent basis?

Gor:	Private, if you could figure out a way to
	do that, you might save the starship
	Collective!  I must ask you one question,
	though...do you mean to tell me that you
	think the Conlicans have logical ideas?
	That might be considered mutiny! or treason!

Pri:	Well, sir.  When the Conlicans ran the
	Enterprise, there was nothing like a
	Clintonator, and the computer rarely
	pointed out logical fallacies.  I looked 
	through the logs of the previous captain
	and nothing was noted to that effect.

Gor:	Well, your slip is excused today, but
	don't ever suggest that possibility again.
	We know that they must have used something
	like our Clintonator.

Pri:	Aye, sir.  I will get to work on a
	permanent link for the Clinonator.

Gor:	Carry on son.  I expect good things from you.

(Gore-al walks back toward the helm and
tells Captain Billy Jeff of his exchange
in a muted conversation.  While the audience
cannot hear,  Billy Jeff is seen shaking and
nodding his head.  He then breaks into a smile.)

Cap:	Good job, Number One!!  If that works, we
	may prove Abe Lincoln wrong!  We will fool all of
	the people all of the time.  Nothing can go
	wrong now.

Nav:	Captain!  There is something you need to
	see on our sensor array.

Cap:	(To Gore-al)  I hate it when he
	calls me to the sensors...

End Scene II

Scene III:  The Opposition

(As the scene opens, Captain Billy Jeff
and Gore-al are huddled over the sensor
arrays talking with the Navigator)

Cap:	So tell me what the problem is Mr. Slicer.

Nav:	We seem to be running into some opposition
	from the crew, sir.  They are pointing out
	that the plan doesn't make sense, in spite of
	your use of the Clintonator.  Our polls show
	that you still have the support of 53% of the
	crew, but you must work hard to make them
	think that the money will come from the
	other guy.  Otherwise your whole plan will
	go up in smoke.

Cap:	How much time do we have before the
	truth becomes fatal?

Nav:	If you cannot fool them in the next
	48 hours,  no one will be willing to
	contribute or invest in your health care plan.

Gor:	Gosh Captain, this is serious.  Maybe
	you had better call Admiral Rodham to come
	to the Collective and speak to the different
	crew departments.

Cap:	Excellent idea, Number One.  I will do
	that right away.  In the meantime, let's
	not give the crew too much time to think
	about how illogical this idea really is.
	(Shouting to Ensign Media)  Get Dr. Joylders
	here right away.  Lieutenant Ben!  Release
	the "Save on Medicare" and "Save on Medicaid"
	gas cannisters right away!  Flood decks
	(looking at sensor array) 2-14 right away.
	Number One, get on the offensive and try to
	persuade someone that the Conlicans will
	oppose this plan because they have no compassion ...
	make sure that you word it so that anyone
	who opposes my plan will seem to be a
 	Conlican.  Now, make it so!

(Dr. Joylders enters the bridge.  She rushes
to Captain Billy Jeff to get orders)

Doc:	Captain!  Are you all right?

Cap:	I'm fine Doctor, but we have an emergency
	alert.  Our health care plan is unraveling.
	We need to distract the crew, so that the
	truth about costs and quality of care does
	not become known until after the fact.  What
	do you suggest we do?

Doc:	We could always distribute.... (Captain
	interrupts with a knowing smile)

Cap:	Great idea.  That should keep them so
	busy that they won't have time to
	realize how bad this plan is.  Let them
	know that such distributions are a
	major part of our health plan.

Doc:	Aye, sir.  Glad to be on board, sir!

Cap:	I am going to contact Admiral Rodham.
	I need her to guide us through this
	perilous part of the voyage.  This health
	care plan must happen.  I must be able to
	control the medical profession!  (Grabbing
	another person on the bridge)  Go to my
	stateroom and clean out the Flowers.  Admiral
	Rodham will be coming aboard and I do not
	want her to see Flowers.  Oh, and find
	some nice plants to brighten up the room.

(Captain Billy Jeff walks quickly to his stateroom
to call Admiral Rodham.  He has difficulty maneuvering
in the crowded conditions and mutters something
about the need to build a bigger bridge.  In his ready
room, he makes his call.)

Cap:	Admiral Rodham?  This is Captain Billy Jeff.
	...  Yes, I'll wait,  I know she's busy.
	...  Tell her that Captain Billy Jeff is
	calling with an important . ...
	Oh, then she's expecting my call?  Good.
	...  How long did she say I would have
	to wait this time? ... OK, but then we
	will only have 47.5 hours left.  (Time
	Passes.  20 minutes of time.  Finally
	Admiral Rodham comes into view (screen))
	Good Afternoon Admiral Rodham.  You got
	to the viewer ten minutes earlier than you
	said before.  For a dunderhead, no less,
	I'm honored!  I am glad you recognized
	the urgent nature of my call.

ADM:	What is it that you can't handle this
	time, Captain?

Cap:	Apparent support for the health care
	plan is slipping.  People are talking
	about how illogical the plan is.  We are
	in real trouble now!

ADM:	Did you forget to use the Clintonator?

Cap:	No.  Gore-al and Ensign Media hooked it
	up.  We both used our voice authorization
	codes...Gore-al did a very good job...even
	the computer said so!  Apparently your plan
	is so illogical that people are seeing through
	it even with the Clintonator.  It's the
	money thing.

ADM:	So what action have you taken?


Cap:	Dr. Joyelders is doing her thing, hoping
	to get the crew so involved with extra-
	curricular activities that they won't have
	time to think about it.  We have flooded decks
	2-14 with "Save on Medicaid" and "Medicare"
	gas, and we are attacking Conlicans as
	uncaring and opposed to the poor.


ADM:	Have you touched on the idea of sin taxes
	yet?  I see you hanging your head.  Well
	work on that side of things now.  You are
	improving Billy Jeff.  Just keep on trying.

Cap:	I'll keep on trying, but we would like for
	you to come aboard and speak to the
	different departments.  I know that the
	crew will respect you.

ADM:	I will be there within the next 18 hours.
	Don't worry, Billy Jeff.
	Everything will work out.

Cap:	Aye, sir.  I am looking forward to seeing
	you again.  My stateroom is ready
	for you when you arrive.

ADM:	And everything is under control there?
	No surprises this time?  I hope not!  Admiral
	Rodham signing off.  See you in a bit.

Cap:	Aye, admiral.  Everything is prepared for
	your visit.  We are looking forward to your
	arrival.  Signing Off.

(The Captain returns to the Bridge from his ready
room and calls for Lieutenant Shillyshall.)

Cap:	Inform Lt. Shilllyshall that I must see
	her at once.  (Spoken in the direction
	of a Bridge person that Captain Billy Jeff
	does not know.)

Ens: 	Aye, sir!  On my way!

Gor:	Captain, may I speak with you
	privately for a minute?

Cap:	Of course, Number One.  Come here.

Gor:	(approaches and speaks softly with
	Captain Billy Jeff)  Some of the Bridge
	 crew is beginning to rumble sir.  It
	seems that they were not told what they
	were supposed to do before being added	
	to the bridge.  We ran into confusion.
	So we established an unwritten rule that
	unless your orders included some specific	
	task, they were to stand around the bridge
	looking busy and staying out of people's
	way.  This is the third or fouth ensign
	you have drafted into service today.  They
	feel like you are taking advantage of them
	by asking them to do things that are not
	in their job description.  Please be a
	little more careful.

Cap:	But these are MY crew members.
	They are on my bridge.

Gor:	Be careful what you say.  They
	may just walk off if you are unfair.

Cap: 	(Captain Billy Jeff  is in a rage.)  Unfair!
	Unfair?!  ... ( this conversation is
	interrupted by a call from the
	Navigator... he has seen something
	of interest for the whole crew.)

Nav:	Enemy wessel, sir.  Closing Fast.

Cap:	On screen.  (Vessel appears on screen)
	What kind of ship is that?  Anybody know?

Gor:	Don't ask me?

Ens:	That's a Conlican Truth Class Vessel.
	It is armed with Rushian Fact-Finder
	Missiles, and Logical Phasers.  That ship
	is deadly, sir.

End Scene III

Scene IV

(The scene picks up where the previous scene
has left off.)

Cap:	Any ideas on how to protect
	ourselves?

Ens:	I would suggest that you raise
	shields, sir.

Cap:	Good idea, ensign!  How do you
	know so much about the Conlican Vessels?

Ens:	I served aboard one during the time
	the previous captain served aboard the
	Ent...ah...Collective.

Cap:	Glad to have you aboard.  It's nice to
	have someone who knows what they are doing!

Ens:	Captain, the shields.

Cap:	That's right!  The shields!  Shields
	up.  Condition uh......red!

Ben:	Incoming Rushian Fact-Finder Sir!
	Impact in 25 seconds.

Ens:	Suggestion sir.

Cap:  	Speak.

Ens:	When the missile impacts, let loose with
	a barrage of "The Conlicans never have a
	plan...they only complain." type propoganda.
	We will seem like the wounded party and the
	inhabitants will blame them and not us.

(Impact...people on bridge...including even more
than before all react to the "earthquake" caused
by the impact.)

Cap:	Good idea.  Ensign Media, send it out on all channels.

Ens:	Aye, Sir!  Media blitz released.

(A few tense moments on the bridge while the Captain
strides towards his chair.  As he sits down, Slicer
reads off the results of his instant analysis of the
polls)

Nav:	Instant poll results show that Media Blitz
	has worked.  Not only do the people believe
	the Media Blitz...the Rushian Fact-finders have
	been rendered temporarily ineffective by the Blitz.

Cap:	Thank you crew.  We have you to thank for
	saving the Collective and the new health care plan.

Ens: 	Thank you for your words, sir.  I only hope
	that Admiral Rodham will be as pleased.

Cap:	I forgot to ask her what to do.  I hope
	the same thing!

Nav: 	Captain, Admiral Rodham should arrive
	in about 3 hours.  I thought that while you
	were waiting for the cows to come home, as
	it were, you might want to join us in a pot...

Cap:	(interrupting in mid sentence)I NEVER
	inhaled!

Nav:	...of coffee, sir, coffee!

Cap:	Of course, I knew that was what you meant
	all along.  Why don't we take it down to
	the Holodeck and enjoy it there in the natural
	surroundings of Whitewater, Arkansas...the most
	restful place on earth.  (Voice trails off as
	they fight their way through the bridge traffic
	which is now packed so tightly with deck hands
	milling around that breathing is difficult.)  You
	don't need a vacation get away do you? (looking
	at deckhands) Where did all of these people
	come from anyway?  Do you think they need...?

Closing Credits and Music play as the two
continue on their way.

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