Cap: Captain's Log: Star Date 223.143. The incident of my missing first officer has been solved. Commander Gore-al has been informed that future play days in the Holo-Deck must be under the supervision of a nanny until he demonstrates competence with the words, "Computer. End Program." He has been instructed to write those words 300 times and turn them into Admiral Rodham by next week. (Fade into picture of Captain on deck dictating log. Bridge is very full, everyone is standing around doing nothing.) His missing communicator problem has been solved also. He has been warned that future outbursts that result in a destroyed communicator will result in his pay being docked. Science Officer Babbit has been instructed to teach Gore-al that throwing sensitive equipment at walls in frustration will result in breakage. (Ensign Opolus rushes to Captain) Ens: Captain Billy Jeff. An urgent message has come in from Star Fleet Command. Admiral Rodham wishes to speak with you...privately! Captain Billy Jeff jumps out of his chair and rushes to his ready room shouting Cap: Number One! Take the helm. (As Commander Gore-al comes to the chair, Captain Billy Jeff speaks privately to him) And try not to run into any planets this time. You are the one who wants to save these planets, right? (Scene shifts to the Captain's ready room. He goes to His desk, turns on the Space Communications port and...) Yes, Admiral Rodham. ADM: Captain, Do you remember when I said that we were going to screw all of these people? Now is the time. Cap: You mean...? ADM: Yes, I mean (Scene cuts to the opening. Music starts, Captain's voice begins Narration) Cap: These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise (Admirals voice breaks in) ADM: Collective...Collective, you fool. Don't you remember renaming it?!!! Cap: ...er Collective. Her four year mission: To tax prosperity (ADM cuts in) ADM: To destroy greedy capitalists! How stupid can you be? Cap: To destroy greedy capitalists, to timidly go where our polls show us we may go. (Music blares...Opening credits come on) Scene I: The Clintonator (As the scene opens Captain Billy Jeff is walking out of his ready room. He has a grave look on his face. He walks to the helm stopping to talk to the Navigator) Cap: (whispering) How did we do? Nav: (whispering) Not bad...We almost ran through the atmosphere of one planet, but I adjusted without letting Gore-al know. He still thinks that he is improving! Cap: Great! Admiral Rodham and Security officer Lson Ben have really been watching Gore-al. I have heard rumors that Lieutenant Ben has orders to mutiny should I ever have problems on the surface... well you know that wouldn't happen. I'd order someone else to go! Nav: Who do you think gave those orders? Adm...er...You hired me to navigate you through the skies, I have to consider all possibiities! Cap: (Chuckling to self) Good thinking. That might be a good idea. (Captain continues to the helm, and speaks for the whole bridge to hear) Thank you Number One, you did a great job while I was away. I will take command now. Gor: Oh, c'mon captain, can't I steer the ship a little longer? Please, pretty please. Cap: The only reason I let you take the helm this time is that you promised last time that you would not whine and cry when I came back. Gor: But this isn't whining...it's begging. Cap: (with anger) That's the same thing officer. If you want to be on my team you will follow my orders. If you don't, I will talk with Admiral Rodham and tell her what you have been doing. Do you understand that Mister? Gor: Aye, Sir! Golly sir, you spoke very captain- like there. I am proud to have you for my captain. Cap: (obviously pleased with himself) That was very captain-like, wasn't it. (becomes quizzical) Number One, who are all of these people on the bridge? I thought we cut the bridge staff. Gor: We did, sir! We did. Admiral Rodham ordered us to borrow staff from some of the other starship departments to make up the difference. I guess we got a few too many from each department. Cap: Oh well, the more the merrier. What happened to the staff that we cut? Gor: They got shuffled into those other departments when they came up short of personnel. I am happy to report that all departments are now fully staffed and we have increased our employment rate by ten percent. Cap: Ten percent increase...very good. Has Admiral Rodham been informed of this new development? Gor: She...uhm...kind of ordered that sir. Cap: Well I guess that's all right. (Annoyed) I just wish someone would let me know what is happening here. This is my starship! Isn't it! Gor: (aside to a wandering bridge person) She's awesome! Admiral Rodham told us he would react that way. (back to Captain Billy Jeff) Do you have any orders sir? Cap: (absent-mindedly) Orders...orders? OH YES! Orders. Yes I have orders. Fire up the Clintonator...I must communicate with the crew. Gor: (terror rises in voice) Not the Clintonator, sir. Must you really do that? Cap: I HAVE NO CHOICE! There is no other way to make this announcement. Gor: (with appropriate awe and terror) Aye, sir...the Clintonator. End Scene I Scene II: The Announcement (As the scene opens, Gore-al and ensign Media are connecting a bulky piece of equipment to the computer. Captain Billy Jeff walks over to them) Cap: Is everything ready Gore-al? Gor: In a few seconds sir. We should be ready for voice authorization in about ten seconds. (the Captain waits while Gore-al and ensign Media finish connecting the machine) The Clintonator is attached to the computer awaiting voice authorization to activate, sir. Cap: Computer. This is Captain Billy Jeff. Please activate general order 72. Com: Jeff, Captain Billy. Voice Authorization 1 accepted. Awaiting Confirmation. Gor: (Gore-al is prompted by Captain Billy Jeff as he issues his voice authorization code) Computer. This is Commander Gore-al. Please activate general order 72. Com: Gore-al, Commander. First Officer. Number One. Voice Authorization 2 Accepted. (Much better Commander) General Order 72 has now been activated. You have 90 seconds before shutdown. Cap: Open a hailing frequency to the entire ship's crew. Ben: Open, sir. Cap: (Ship's whistle in the background) Now hear this. Now hear this. This is captain Billy Jeff speaking. I wish to inform you that health care benefits have been approved by the admiral for the entire crew. Each and every one of you will receive better care than you are presently receiving, and at a far less expensive price. I congratulate you on having won a great victory, and look forward to continue to serve with you in future battles against the Conlicans. Please resume your normal duties now. (motions to Gore-al to turn off the Clintonator. When that is done he breathes a sigh of relief and walks back to the helm. One of the bridge personnel, Private Morris approaches Gore-al seeking information.) Pri: Why do we need to use such precautions just to make a simple speech? Gor: You know that we can't give the crew more and better health care for less money. I know we can't do that also. Obviously the computer would spot the logical flaws in such an announcement. The Clintonator allows the Captain to say the most illogical things without the Computer pointing out the flaws. The people are so conditioned that if the computer doesn't point out the flaws, they will think that everything is fine and not question even the most patently absurd statements. Pri: That makes sense...but why then do we only have 90 seconds to make the announcement? Why don't we leave the Clintonator attached to the Computer at all times? Gor: Two reasons. 1. If the computer is not able to point out our logical fallacies then how will it be able to attack the Conlicans fallacies. 2. The computer can only handle so much suppression of logic. After awhile, everything would blow to pieces if we kept all of our illogical ideas bottled up. Pri: What if we could come up with a way to suppress our illogic and attack the Conlican ideas no matter how logical. Could we not then keep the Clintonator on line on a permanent basis? Gor: Private, if you could figure out a way to do that, you might save the starship Collective! I must ask you one question, though...do you mean to tell me that you think the Conlicans have logical ideas? That might be considered mutiny! or treason! Pri: Well, sir. When the Conlicans ran the Enterprise, there was nothing like a Clintonator, and the computer rarely pointed out logical fallacies. I looked through the logs of the previous captain and nothing was noted to that effect. Gor: Well, your slip is excused today, but don't ever suggest that possibility again. We know that they must have used something like our Clintonator. Pri: Aye, sir. I will get to work on a permanent link for the Clinonator. Gor: Carry on son. I expect good things from you. (Gore-al walks back toward the helm and tells Captain Billy Jeff of his exchange in a muted conversation. While the audience cannot hear, Billy Jeff is seen shaking and nodding his head. He then breaks into a smile.) Cap: Good job, Number One!! If that works, we may prove Abe Lincoln wrong! We will fool all of the people all of the time. Nothing can go wrong now. Nav: Captain! There is something you need to see on our sensor array. Cap: (To Gore-al) I hate it when he calls me to the sensors... End Scene II Scene III: The Opposition (As the scene opens, Captain Billy Jeff and Gore-al are huddled over the sensor arrays talking with the Navigator) Cap: So tell me what the problem is Mr. Slicer. Nav: We seem to be running into some opposition from the crew, sir. They are pointing out that the plan doesn't make sense, in spite of your use of the Clintonator. Our polls show that you still have the support of 53% of the crew, but you must work hard to make them think that the money will come from the other guy. Otherwise your whole plan will go up in smoke. Cap: How much time do we have before the truth becomes fatal? Nav: If you cannot fool them in the next 48 hours, no one will be willing to contribute or invest in your health care plan. Gor: Gosh Captain, this is serious. Maybe you had better call Admiral Rodham to come to the Collective and speak to the different crew departments. Cap: Excellent idea, Number One. I will do that right away. In the meantime, let's not give the crew too much time to think about how illogical this idea really is. (Shouting to Ensign Media) Get Dr. Joylders here right away. Lieutenant Ben! Release the "Save on Medicare" and "Save on Medicaid" gas cannisters right away! Flood decks (looking at sensor array) 2-14 right away. Number One, get on the offensive and try to persuade someone that the Conlicans will oppose this plan because they have no compassion ... make sure that you word it so that anyone who opposes my plan will seem to be a Conlican. Now, make it so! (Dr. Joylders enters the bridge. She rushes to Captain Billy Jeff to get orders) Doc: Captain! Are you all right? Cap: I'm fine Doctor, but we have an emergency alert. Our health care plan is unraveling. We need to distract the crew, so that the truth about costs and quality of care does not become known until after the fact. What do you suggest we do? Doc: We could always distribute.... (Captain interrupts with a knowing smile) Cap: Great idea. That should keep them so busy that they won't have time to realize how bad this plan is. Let them know that such distributions are a major part of our health plan. Doc: Aye, sir. Glad to be on board, sir! Cap: I am going to contact Admiral Rodham. I need her to guide us through this perilous part of the voyage. This health care plan must happen. I must be able to control the medical profession! (Grabbing another person on the bridge) Go to my stateroom and clean out the Flowers. Admiral Rodham will be coming aboard and I do not want her to see Flowers. Oh, and find some nice plants to brighten up the room. (Captain Billy Jeff walks quickly to his stateroom to call Admiral Rodham. He has difficulty maneuvering in the crowded conditions and mutters something about the need to build a bigger bridge. In his ready room, he makes his call.) Cap: Admiral Rodham? This is Captain Billy Jeff. ... Yes, I'll wait, I know she's busy. ... Tell her that Captain Billy Jeff is calling with an important . ... Oh, then she's expecting my call? Good. ... How long did she say I would have to wait this time? ... OK, but then we will only have 47.5 hours left. (Time Passes. 20 minutes of time. Finally Admiral Rodham comes into view (screen)) Good Afternoon Admiral Rodham. You got to the viewer ten minutes earlier than you said before. For a dunderhead, no less, I'm honored! I am glad you recognized the urgent nature of my call. ADM: What is it that you can't handle this time, Captain? Cap: Apparent support for the health care plan is slipping. People are talking about how illogical the plan is. We are in real trouble now! ADM: Did you forget to use the Clintonator? Cap: No. Gore-al and Ensign Media hooked it up. We both used our voice authorization codes...Gore-al did a very good job...even the computer said so! Apparently your plan is so illogical that people are seeing through it even with the Clintonator. It's the money thing. ADM: So what action have you taken? Cap: Dr. Joyelders is doing her thing, hoping to get the crew so involved with extra- curricular activities that they won't have time to think about it. We have flooded decks 2-14 with "Save on Medicaid" and "Medicare" gas, and we are attacking Conlicans as uncaring and opposed to the poor. ADM: Have you touched on the idea of sin taxes yet? I see you hanging your head. Well work on that side of things now. You are improving Billy Jeff. Just keep on trying. Cap: I'll keep on trying, but we would like for you to come aboard and speak to the different departments. I know that the crew will respect you. ADM: I will be there within the next 18 hours. Don't worry, Billy Jeff. Everything will work out. Cap: Aye, sir. I am looking forward to seeing you again. My stateroom is ready for you when you arrive. ADM: And everything is under control there? No surprises this time? I hope not! Admiral Rodham signing off. See you in a bit. Cap: Aye, admiral. Everything is prepared for your visit. We are looking forward to your arrival. Signing Off. (The Captain returns to the Bridge from his ready room and calls for Lieutenant Shillyshall.) Cap: Inform Lt. Shilllyshall that I must see her at once. (Spoken in the direction of a Bridge person that Captain Billy Jeff does not know.) Ens: Aye, sir! On my way! Gor: Captain, may I speak with you privately for a minute? Cap: Of course, Number One. Come here. Gor: (approaches and speaks softly with Captain Billy Jeff) Some of the Bridge crew is beginning to rumble sir. It seems that they were not told what they were supposed to do before being added to the bridge. We ran into confusion. So we established an unwritten rule that unless your orders included some specific task, they were to stand around the bridge looking busy and staying out of people's way. This is the third or fouth ensign you have drafted into service today. They feel like you are taking advantage of them by asking them to do things that are not in their job description. Please be a little more careful. Cap: But these are MY crew members. They are on my bridge. Gor: Be careful what you say. They may just walk off if you are unfair. Cap: (Captain Billy Jeff is in a rage.) Unfair! Unfair?! ... ( this conversation is interrupted by a call from the Navigator... he has seen something of interest for the whole crew.) Nav: Enemy wessel, sir. Closing Fast. Cap: On screen. (Vessel appears on screen) What kind of ship is that? Anybody know? Gor: Don't ask me? Ens: That's a Conlican Truth Class Vessel. It is armed with Rushian Fact-Finder Missiles, and Logical Phasers. That ship is deadly, sir. End Scene III Scene IV (The scene picks up where the previous scene has left off.) Cap: Any ideas on how to protect ourselves? Ens: I would suggest that you raise shields, sir. Cap: Good idea, ensign! How do you know so much about the Conlican Vessels? Ens: I served aboard one during the time the previous captain served aboard the Ent...ah...Collective. Cap: Glad to have you aboard. It's nice to have someone who knows what they are doing! Ens: Captain, the shields. Cap: That's right! The shields! Shields up. Condition uh......red! Ben: Incoming Rushian Fact-Finder Sir! Impact in 25 seconds. Ens: Suggestion sir. Cap: Speak. Ens: When the missile impacts, let loose with a barrage of "The Conlicans never have a plan...they only complain." type propoganda. We will seem like the wounded party and the inhabitants will blame them and not us. (Impact...people on bridge...including even more than before all react to the "earthquake" caused by the impact.) Cap: Good idea. Ensign Media, send it out on all channels. Ens: Aye, Sir! Media blitz released. (A few tense moments on the bridge while the Captain strides towards his chair. As he sits down, Slicer reads off the results of his instant analysis of the polls) Nav: Instant poll results show that Media Blitz has worked. Not only do the people believe the Media Blitz...the Rushian Fact-finders have been rendered temporarily ineffective by the Blitz. Cap: Thank you crew. We have you to thank for saving the Collective and the new health care plan. Ens: Thank you for your words, sir. I only hope that Admiral Rodham will be as pleased. Cap: I forgot to ask her what to do. I hope the same thing! Nav: Captain, Admiral Rodham should arrive in about 3 hours. I thought that while you were waiting for the cows to come home, as it were, you might want to join us in a pot... Cap: (interrupting in mid sentence)I NEVER inhaled! Nav: ...of coffee, sir, coffee! Cap: Of course, I knew that was what you meant all along. Why don't we take it down to the Holodeck and enjoy it there in the natural surroundings of Whitewater, Arkansas...the most restful place on earth. (Voice trails off as they fight their way through the bridge traffic which is now packed so tightly with deck hands milling around that breathing is difficult.) You don't need a vacation get away do you? (looking at deckhands) Where did all of these people come from anyway? Do you think they need...? Closing Credits and Music play as the two continue on their way.
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