Corpus Christi, TX February 4, 1998(spa) -- At a news conference today
Satirical Press Associates founder, publisher, owner, editor, lead columnist
and chief cook and bottle washer Bob James officially announced that he
was naming SPA the unofficial voice of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
"In these times, we can not wait for others to act, we must speak out
now if the VRWC is to have a voice. Since we have come under attack
it is vital that we defend ourselves, deny the charges, and attack the
Liberals at their own game. WE are that lonely voice, crying in the
Wilderness. We are the spokesmen who will clarify and unite the VRWC
as we seek to overthro...er bring strength to the American Government
System. Thus it is with great humility, that we accept this self-proclaimed
award." Following this announcement, James took questions...unscreened.
Q. Is there really a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy?
A. Yes, of course. Hillary said so.
Q. Is there a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy?
A. There was, but no longer?
Q. What happened to it?
A. When the USSR ceased to be a communist threat, the Vast Left Wing
Conspiracy threat was reduced by 50%. Thus it is now called the
Half-Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
Q. Who is Bob James, the man behind the SPA.
Q. No, I mean, tell me about yourself.
A. I'm just your typical, harmless crack-pot with an Internet account and
too much time on his hands.
Q. Do you have any interns? Other staff?
A. No, this is all done by me. If others do contribute, it is usually under
their request that they remain completely anonymous.
Q. So, why are you the only one here today?
A. Do you think any reputable media outlet would cover a media
outlet/crack-pot that anounced that it was officially claiming to be
the unofficial voice of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy?
Q. Aren't you really in it for the money?
A. HA HA HA HA HA HO HEE HA HEE HA Ha...oh, you really meant
that to be an honest question. Yes, we are seeking investors.
Investors seeking the chance of a lifetime are welcome to e-mail me for
information. However, preliminary information you may need is that we
require a liquidity of $5,000,000 with a minimum investment of $1,000,000.
Q. What do we get for that kind of investment?
A. First, the self satisfaction of knowing that the Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy will continue into the future. Second, you will get more and
more of these e-mails. (Unless, of course, you send $2,000,000, in which
case we will take you off our mailing list at your request.) Finally, you will
get the complete matching hat, T-Shirt and keychain with the "I am the SPA:
the unofficial voice of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" logo prominently
displayed. Oh, and we will give you unlimited coffee at our contributor's
appreciation coffees to be held in a smoke filled room near you. (We
will send the decoder ring secretly)
Q. Is it worthwhile?
A. No official member of the unofficial voice of the Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy coffee club has ever complained.
Q. Do you have any other paraphenalia available for your
A. Yes, our bumper sticker, "My parents joined the Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy and all I got was this lousy IRS Audit!" will be available
Q. Do you take advertising?
A. Yes. All advertisors will be screened carefully in order to make sure
that their cash is green. We promise to bring you no advertising unless
it is fully paid for.
Q. Will you take one last question?
A. Yes, and thank you for asking it. Good night.
Satirical Press Associates (SPA) is a group of writers or one writer
multiple personalities who have (has) a warped sense of reality, and now
we are the officially announced unofficial voice of the Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy! None of their (his) reports should be construed as factual,
although they (he) have (has) been known to take factual situations and
distort them. You are invited to gain a free trial membership by writing
Bob James. Trial memberships last until they end.
Those who wish to support this endeavor may be crazier than the author(s)
but are welcome to e-mail the above address for information.
(c) 1998 by Bob James. All rights reserved. Permission is
distribute this article to others without charge as long as it is distributed
in its entirety and this notice is attached. This article may not be
distributed commercially either individually or as part of any anthology
without the express written consent of the author.
" Because of the recent discovery by Hillary . . .
Today's meeting of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has been changed.
Please consult your secret decoder ring for the new time and location."
---Eva Joanna Darski '98
---Texas A&M University
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