Editorial note: While the SPA is now the unofficial voice of the
Right Wing Conspiracy, we will continue to comment on news other than
that in the national political spectrum. We proudly present the following
story researched by our crack sports department. (No, not our "on-crack"
Dallas February 10, 1998(SPA) -- Dallas owner Jerry Jones continued
his search for the new Cowboys coach today. "I will spend whatever it
takes to find the real coach!" Jones said to reporters yesterday.
SPA sources indicate that Jones has set up some stringent conditions
for the new coach. Conditions include being able to get on a plane
without being arrested, full release from prison (with visiting privileges)
or a parole that would allow out of state travel, knowing how to call
for a punt on 4th down, and a willingness to let Jones do most of the
coaching from the pressbox.
Jones is being treated with skepticism by many reporters: When
mentioned that he wanted the coach to be a heavy thinker, one reporter
muttered, "They'd have to have cement for brains to do that!" Other
reporters noted that while Jones claimed to be searching for the real
coach, all he seemed to be doing was playing golf.
Privately, SPA has learned that Jones, while outwardly appearing to
be playing, is in reality searching hard. He has obtained the lists of
parolees and those soon to be up for parole in order to maintain the
level of quality the Cowboys have become accustomed to in recent years.
He has also contacted other college coaches, high school coaches and
a select few thousand jr. high coaches seeking just the right man to be
lead by him.
Rumors suggest that Jones is waiting to see if an old unnamed Arkansas
buddy might be released from his present contract soon. Jones smiled
and refused comment on this possible development, but inside sources
in the Valley Ranch complex in Irving have heard Jones squeal. "We MAY
be able to get him before 2001 after all!" while watching the news.
Many former Cowboy fans, disgusted by the last few years have begun
express their disgust publicly. "Well, there's always the Houston Oilers,"
noted one fan in a suburban Dallas shopping mall.
Satirical Press Associates (SPA) is a group of writers or one writer with
multiple personalities who have (has) a warped sense of reality. None
of their (his) reports should be construed as factual, although they (he)
have (has) been known to take factual situations and distort them.
Since we are now the unofficial voice of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy,
we want to assure you that our standards are as high as ever. We
will publish no rumor unless backed by innuendo. Please do not
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(c) 1998 by Bob James. All rights reserved. Permission is
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