YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN:
1 You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
2 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3 Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4 You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5 You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
6 You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
7 You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
8 All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
9 And even your night dreams are in HTML. ( Hi, Kelly! )
10 You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
a word processor.com.
11 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see
a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've
never had heart problems before.
13 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when they left.
14 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives. ( Hi, Glenda! )
15 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like. ( Hi, Joey! )
16 All of your friends have an @ in their names.
17 When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.
18 Your dog has his/her own home page. ( Hi, Bats! )
19 You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
20 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
21 You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea
where your children are.
22 You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
23 You refer to your age as 3.x.
24 You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net;
his/her friends know not to call on his/her line anymore.
25 Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
26 Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.
27 You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
28 You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
29 Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
30 You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
31 You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.
32 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
33 You tell the cab driver you live at
34 You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address.
35 You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
work to do" and you don't even have a job.
36 Your friends no longer send you e-mail... they just log on to your
37 You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
38 Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
39 You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
40 You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher." ( Sounds like Kelly again! )
41 You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...
because you never log off. ( Sounds like me! )
42 You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet.
43 You forget what day/year it is.
44 You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
45 You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
46 You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack
for "surfing the net".
47 You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
48 You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
49 Your wife says communication is important in marriage...so you
buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two
of you can chat. ( Yo, Ro! Wot's knu? )
50 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Return to Bob James's View of Life
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Note: If anyone knows who the author of this piece is, please e-mail
me and let me know so I can give proper credit. Thanks!